DON'T MESS WITH GOD
So, this guy is talking to God and asks, "Hey, God? What does 100 million years seem like to you?" God answers, "One hundred million years? That's like a second to me." Then the man asks, "Hey God? What's 100 million dollars seems like to you?" And the God answers, "One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me." So the guy says, "Hey God, could I borrow a penny?" And God answers, "SURE. Just wait a second."
FOUR PEOPLE ON A TRAIN
An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are travelling in the compartment of a train together across the British countryside. Each of the four of them is ignoring the other three.
Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the darkness comes the sound of kiss, then the sound of a slap.
The train leaves the tunnel, and the travellers act as though nothing happened.
The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing happened. I KNOW the Englishman kissed her."
The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an Irishman kiss an old lady?"
The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't do anything! Why'd I get MY face slapped?"
And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand, slap an Englishman in the face and get away with it!"
ODD
Once there was a boy named Odd.
Odd was the butt of jokes his whole life, because of his name, even though he grew up to be a successful lawyer.
When Odd was old and about to die, he said, "People have been teasing me my whole life, and I don't want them doing it after I am dead, so I don't want my name printed on my tombstone."
After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, "That's Odd!"
A REAL CLASSIC
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemen's Club. One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a 10 bucks bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the 10 bucks and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a 50 bucks bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the 50 bucks, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute...then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
WHICH IS BETTER INVENTION
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good gut and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." --So the guy at the gates points to Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well", says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) And the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmmmm...:" says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
OFFICE MEMO
To: All Employees
From: Director of Information Services
Subject: Millennia Year Application Software System
This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data centre that will contain firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System"
(MYASS).Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will contine to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implemenation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in
MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program. I had secretary say to me, "I'm a little nervous, since I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.As
MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated, "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".SHOOT
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the home-owner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuhua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."
"Got it," the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the chihuahua."
LITTLE PATIENT
A man suddenly found that he was shrinking. Each day he was getting smaller and smaller. Very worried, he went to the doctor's office. "I've got to see the doctor!" the man demanded, frantically.
"He's very busy," the nurse calmy replied. "Just take a seat and be a little patient."
HOT IRONWhen Marvin showed up at work with both ears bandaged, he was asked what happened. "I was watching the match on TV, and my wife was ironing nearby," he explained. "She left for a moment, and the phone rang. I reached for it and put the hot iron to my ear instead."
"But what happened to the other ear?"
"Wouldn't you know? No sooner had I hung up than the guy called back."
EXACTLY
After marrying a much younger woman, a 93-year-old man visited his doctor and announced that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a lion charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the lion, he shot and killed the animal on the spot."
"Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Somebody must have shot from the side!"
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
BRAIN
A wealthy man lay critically ill. "There's only one thing that will save you," his doctor said. "A brain transplant. It's experimental and very expensive."
"Money is no object," the man said. "Can you get a brain?"
"There are three available. The first was from a college professor, but it'll cost you dollars 10,000."
"Don't worry, I can pay. What about the second?"
"It was from a rocket scientist. It'll cost you dollars 100,000."
"I have the money. And I'd be a lot smarter too. But what about the third?"
"The third was from a Washington bureaucrat. It will set you back half a million dollars."
"Why so much for the bureaucrat's brain?" the patient asked.
"Never been used."
HOW EMBARRASSING
"How embarrassing," said one fellow to another. "The party invitation plainly said, 'Black Tie only.' When I got there, everyone was wearing suits too."
NOTHING BUT METhree women started boasting about their sons. "What a birthday I had last year!" exclaimed the first. "My son threw me a big party in a fancy restaurant. He even paid for plane tickets for my friends."
"That's very nice, but listen to this," said the second. "Last winter, my son gave me an all-expenses cruise to the Greek islands. Firs class."
"There's nothing!" interrupted the third. "For five years now, my son has been paying a psychiatrist dollar 150 an hour, three times a week. And the whole time he talks about nothing but me."
SAVOIR-FAIRE
Three Frenchmen were trying to define savoir-faire, "If I go home," said Alphonse, "and find my wife with another man, say 'Excuse me' and leave, that is savoir-faire."
"No," replied Pierre, "if I go home and find my wife with another man, and say, 'Excuse me, please continue,' that is savoir-faire."
"Au contraire," said Jacques, "if I go home and find my wife with another man and say 'Excuse me, please continue,' and he can continue, then he has savoir-faire."
BATTER OR VERSE
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counsellor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made great pancakes. "Oh," said the counsellor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
DONATION
A man walks into a church and says, "I want to see the head hog."
"Excuse me, sir," the secretary chides, "we don't refer to our priest by any nicknames."
"I don't care what you call the old boy," the man says. "I want to see the head hog."
"Let me rephrase that. Our priest is well-respected in this community. We don't refer to him by any nickname, let alone that of a pig."
"Listen, lady," the man says, pulling a cheque out of his pocket, "I want to give a 50,000 bucks donation to this church. Now, where's the head hog?"
"Goodness me, I think I hear the little porker comin' now."